VERBOXIOUS: the trouble with words. Post #3, 2007.04.06
a feature of LitBoy.com about the trouble with words
I am nice because I should be. I am kind because I want to be.
If that doesn't immediately make sense to you, then think of "nice" as "pleasant," and "kind" as generous.
This is my way of discriminating between when I feel obliged by custom and convention to be pleasant, which often I don't enjoy doing, and when I feel at choice to offer assistance and support to those who need it, or who don't need it but might appreciate the gesture anyhow.
So I am posting this as a reminder to myself about the difference, and perhaps to provoke some conversation about when we are at choice versus when we unwittingly do or say pleasant things that we don't really mean. Feel free to submit a comment with examples from your everyday life, and I will post anything I like.
That's a pun. What if we all just posted anything we liked? Wouldn't the world be a more honest place? We all dislike insincerity, especially when it is directed at us, yet it is so easy to slip into being insincere that we may not even realize we are doing it. Insincerity is a mild form of dishonesty, and perhaps the most pervasive.
So I am picking on the word "nice" in particular because it is so abused wherever I go. "Have a nice day" became the tritest, most ridiculed phrase of the 1970s, at least where I lived. Niceness thus became trivialized and denuded of sensuality — antiseptic. Now there's a word for you — antiseptic. It's rather anti-sceptic, if you ask me. Skepticism has been pummeled into defensiveness in many quarters. Being a skeptic isn't nice. Questioning life, the universe, and everything (authority, perhaps) looks good on a bumper-sticker, but how many of us walk the talk?
Merriam-Webster tells us that "septic" means "of, relating to, or causing putrefaction." In other words, decay. I have a problem accepting decay as a natural and necessary part of the environment when it crosses the threshold into my home. We live in the Hawaiian rainforest in a house that, this winter's rains revealed, has a leaky roof above the entryway and living-room areas. So right now, we have a mushroom fungus growing out of the ceiling. Not so nice. So the first day I spotted that, I demanded that my partner (the title holder) look into getting the roof fixed. Not very nice, perhaps, but very practical indeed. And certainly sincere. We'd had some warning signs (black mold growing on the white rafters) but as yet had taken no action toward resolving the issue.
Often we avoid resolving issues with others because we are determined to be nice at all costs. Yet all this face-saving doesn't go very far, if at all, toward facing up to our problems and resolving them. So, ultimately, we're only hurting ourselves anyhow when we try to avoid hurting others. Cutting off your nose to spite your face isn't very nice, now, is it?
The way to resolve this dilemma is to look for the greater kindness that results in being direct rather than avoidant. The universe tends to grant us what we need when we take good care of ourselves. (If you prefer the Judeo-Christian version, then you can say that God helps those who help themselves.) Being kind to yourself is easy. We often confuse it with selfishness, though. Yet healthy people, in my opinion, put their needs before the needs of others. This is not to say that you should ignore others' needs. That's where kindness comes in. So take some for yourself, and give some to others. Or, as Melody Beattie has said, "Self-care sometimes means 'me first,' but usually, 'me too." Being kind to yourself is fundamental to leading a happy life, rather than letting an unhappy life lead you around by the nose, and into decay. That stinks.
However, there are some people who don't want to be happy. It's obvious. They may claim otherwise, but their actions betray their lack of commitment to happiness. So the kindest thing to do for yourself is not to engage with them at all, or as little as possible. I once had to do this with a family member who was severely abusive to me in a verbal manner. At that point, her lack of respect for my autonomy (freedom of choice) had so deteriorated that it was impossible for me to be kind or even nice to her any longer. So the ultimate kindness to both of us, since she was so clearly unhappy with me, was to cut her off. I have never regretted this decision for more than a few moments now and then. It always passes quickly.
Ask yourself who deserves your kindness. It's your life. Don't be so nice.
[last updated: 2007.04.17, 12:30 p.m. Hawaii time]
Wishing you a beautiful day,
Bill Brent
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